The Cocaine Dilemma

*Audio Available* Polyamory, Virtues Gone Mad, and Prudence in Our Strange New World

I am not a therapist, but I work in an office with therapists, and the other day I was asked a very interesting question.

A co-worker asked me if I thought a couples’ therapist I work with would consider seeing a “polyamorous relationship”, sometimes known as a “throuple.” If you are still confused, this is three people (sometimes more) who are all knowingly in some sort of romantic “relationship” together.

At first, I honestly thought my co-worker was joking, considering that the couples’ therapist in question does couples therapy, not throuples therapy. When the inquiring coworker asked, “do you think it [the throuple] would be treated any differently?” I said, “you’re joking, right?” She was not.

I realized I was having one of those real-life-Babylon-Bee-headline moments.

As the conversation continued, I realized the burden of proof somehow now rested on me to explain why a throuple would be received differently, in any way, than a traditional two-person couple.  

I could feel the ground shifting underneath my feet.  

My very kind and well-intended coworker then continued down an all-too typical and predictable line of reasoning, “I just assumed if someone did couples therapy that they’ve seen or treated all types of different relationship dynamics.” Then came the “just because it’s not traditional or common, doesn’t make it not exist, right?”

I thought to myself “is she accusing me of polyphobia?”

Next thought- “did I just make up a word that I have never heard before in order to understand something that has never happened to me before?”

This is when I got what can only be described as a “woke brain freeze.”

Possible responses rushed through my mind, all of which I knew would not be received well (or would land me in a Human Resource office), responses like “you do know that 3 is different than 2, right?” or “you do know this therapist does couples therapy, not ‘all-types-of-different-relationships’ therapy, right?”

Instead, I opted for a more polite and neutral response, saying that I couldn’t speak for the therapist and that I would check with her. When I did, I was relieved to learn that the couples’ therapist in question felt the assumption that she would see a polyamorous throuple, simply because she sees couples, was as odd to her as it was to me. Win some lose some.

Beyond Meat Virtue

This was a powerful reminder that in the dogma of modern secular liberalism, inclusion, non-judgementalism and tolerance are all tied for first in the value hierarchy. All other values are subject to this holy trinity of virtue.

In this framework, it is simply assumed that all relationship types are morally equivalent. We can see that these three values, when unmoored from other values, can obliterate basic categories, along with our ability to make sound judgments based on what is good or true.

Said another way, things that are different become essentially the same.

Or, as I saw at work, “three” becomes essentially the same as “two.”

What you’re left with is a sort of moral mush. If it was served at Burger King, maybe it would be called a “beyond virtue breakfast sandwich” or, if it was a piece of meat in a cafeteria, it might be called a “virtue surprise.” It might have a thin, superficial veneer of virtue and coherence, but examined more closely you see it is just a manufactured, synthetic pulp with very little substance or value.

Inclusion, tolerance, and non-judgementalism are not bad things of course, but they can turn bad when isolated from other virtues.

G.K. Chesterton once said,

“The modern world is not evil; in some ways the modern world is far too good. It is full of wild and wasted virtues. When a religious scheme is shattered (as Christianity was shattered at the Reformation), it is not merely the vices that are let loose. The vices are, indeed, let loose, and they wander and do damage. But the virtues are let loose also; and the virtues wander more wildly, and the virtues do more terrible damage. The modern world is full of the old Christian virtues gone mad. The virtues have gone mad because they have been isolated from each other and are wandering alone.”

Minus the little jab at Protestantism there, G.K. makes an excellent point.

Virtues “gone mad” are even more dangerous than vices. These virtues, when isolated from other virtues, act as wolves in sheep’s clothing; they may look and sound nice, but they will devour you.

Comedian Demetri Martin once made a joke about drowning. He says drowning would be a terrible way to die, but it would be a little less terrible if you were really thirsty right before you drowned.

I think our culture is drowning in inclusion and tolerance, and we’re somewhere between having our thirst quenched and succumbing to a complete and total moral death.

The Cocaine Dilemma

Here is a mental picture that helps me interpret experiences like I had the other day. Maybe it’ll help you too.

I imagine myself at a party. It isn’t a typical party where I would find myself, but that’s ok. Everyone seems normal, they’re just drinking beer, talking, laughing. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I see a guy take out a small baggy with white powder in it. He then proceeds to draw and sniff a line of cocaine right in the middle of the room, in front of everyone, like it is totally normal and not a big deal at all.

I think to myself '“Holy [bleep], I didn’t know it was THAT kind of party.”

In any other context, the person doing cocaine would have been considered very strange, maybe even insane. But because there’s so much happening at the party, it ends up being so normalized that some take no notice of it at all. This puts the burden of proof on the normal person to explain why this is a bad idea, actually.

That is precisely how I felt at work the other day. I was effectively watching people do cocaine at a party, but it was up to me to defend the existence of something like basic reality and objective standards of behavior. And somehow, I felt like I was the crazy one.

I’ll never forget the time when I first started to see just how pervasive this was. A few years ago, I attended a family party with my wife and our 3-year-old daughter. A friend of this family who identified as transgender happened to be in attendance. At one point, in the middle of the party and in the middle of the room, this person took a needle full of hormones out of her fanny pack and shot herself with the needle, right in front of everyone like it was completely normal and no big deal at all.

Thankfully, my daughter did not see this take place. But she was right there in the room playing, along with several other small children.

I don’t know if it was a fear of offending, or a state of shock, but I stood there frozen as this unfurled before my eyes, the disorientation slowly washing over me. What just happened? Why do I feel violated and a little angry? Am I being judgmental? Am I transphobic for feeling like what just happened was wrong? What am I supposed to do here? Say something? Take my family and run? Be quiet and do nothing? Ask them to kindly administer their gender hormones in private, please? I had no idea.

And in case you’re not familiar with Leesburg, NJ, this party took place in the absolute backwoods of South Jersey, the opposite of your stereotypical, super-progressive urban city. It was then I realized the revolution had made its way to the margins of society. I would not be able to avoid situations like this, like it or not.

Leon Trotsky, a prominent figure in the Russian revolution, once said, "You may not want the revolution, but the revolution wants you."

I wasn’t having the party, but the party had found its way to my house.

And yeah, it’s THAT kind of party.

Prudence

What are we to do when we find ourselves in situations like these?

Be prudent.

Prudence is the art of practicing wisdom and discerning the proper course to take in a particular situation. Prudence does not ignore the crazy, it acknowledges it and looks for a reasonable, faithful way to respond.

Edmund Burke helpfully reminds us that prudence is the chief political and moral virtue,

“The lines of morality are not like the ideal lines of mathematics. They are broad and deep as well as long. They admit of exceptions; they demand modifications. These exceptions and modifications are not made by the process of logic, but by the rules of prudence. Prudence is not only the first in rank of the virtues political and moral, but she is the director, regulator, the standard of them all.”

We don’t always like the idea of prudence, because it doesn’t offer us simple, one-size-fits-all answers for every challenging moral issue today. I think many of us want to be told exactly what to do, what to think, who to vote for etc. We don’t like to hear things like “work out your own salvation with fear and trembling” (Philippians 2:12).  

But prudence is more poetry than math.

And cultivating a “practical wisdom” and learning how to make prudential judgements in challenging situations will continue to be essential for those trying to live faithfully in our strange new world.  

Knowing when to speak, and when to not. Knowing what to say, and what to not. Knowing who you can share with, and who you cannot.

As Christians, we are exiles, but it may serve us to also see ourselves as diplomats in a foreign land. Searching for common ground, building bridges where we can, and finding ways to reinforce the positive in challenging conversations will be critical.

We must tell the truth, no matter how much pressure there is to lie.

We must also remember that discerning the will of God in difficult situations is not a solo project. We have to lean on our three Great Helps: the Church, the Word, and the Spirit.

Let us not spurn these inexpressible gifts of grace. And let us pray, always.

Be encouraged, and consider the infinitely relevant words of our Dear Lord,

“Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:16).

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Thank you so much for reading. If you read this and have a thought, please leave a comment here or email me (below). My primary motivation for writing is to create more good conversation around cultural, theological and political issues. I would love to hear your thoughts.

jeffreycharlescaldwell@gmail.com

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Credit: I received some editing help from my buddy

Dominick Baruffi

on this post. Since all of his good ideas come from me, I thought it was only fair to to least give the appearance that some of his good ideas impact my writing as well.