When There Is No End, Everything Becomes a Means

A Personal, Closing Thought for 2023

“We panic when there is nothing or nobody left to distract us. When we have no project to finish, no friend to visit, no book to read, no television to watch or no record to play, and when we are left all alone by ourselves we are brought so close to the revelation of our basic human aloneness and are so afraid of experiencing an all-pervasive sense of loneliness that we will do anything to get busy again and continue the game which makes us all believe that everything is fine after all.”

- Henri Nouwen

I paused during breakfast one morning recently and realized I am so often in a rush to go nowhere. There is something unsettled inside me, a constant hum of impatience, this nagging sense that I need to hurry just so that I can be done with whatever task is in front of me. After that? Not sure. It is hard to put into words, but I have a deep sense that it is the opposite of whatever true peace is. To be honest, over the past year and a half it has been not-so-well with my soul. I am realizing, no amount of distraction can cover shame and despair. No amount of noise can drown out the sin or pain in one’s life. 

We all go through trials: you have a sick child, you lost a loved one, you’re entangled in sin and it is damaging to your health and relationships, you’re hiding. Sometimes our relationship with God is not what it once was, our alignment is off. When our life is not oriented towards God, towards the highest good, then there is no true end, or at least no truest end; no real purpose, no deeper meaning, no truly worthwhile goal. When the ultimate object of our affections and passions is not God, it becomes something else. It must. It’s not a matter of whether, but of which. It’s not whether or not we will worship, but which thing or person will be the object of my affections. That cyclone of passion, thought, desire inside you; it all has to go somewhere. When you are not oriented towards God, that thing inside you, that dis-orientation, more often than not, ends up becoming a race to satisfy your basest desires and impulses. Whether it is an unhealthy craving for alcohol or food, bingeing mindless television to hide from what you know you need to do, or maybe a persistent obsession with what people think about you. Eventually, your life becomes fundamentally about you, it all turns inward, and like a black hole or a dying star it collapses in on itself. To hell with considering others first, or serving God. In no time at all, we cross over into some nihilistic grey space between a human and an animal. This is the insanity of sin; life apart from God. 

And as I was sitting there with the bowl of oatmeal in my hands, it hit me. When your life is not oriented towards God, when there is no end, everything becomes a means. Sex becomes something where people are things to be used, rather than a person to be loved. Food becomes a fix for a craving, devouring too much food alone, rather than a slow, shared meal that is meant to build real togetherness and friendship. Money becomes something to selfishly hoard or recklessly squander. Everything becomes instrumental to serving your felt needs and base desires. When there is no true end, everything becomes a means. 

A preacher named Mike Bullmore once said “you never drift to something, you always drift away”. Repentance essentially means to turn from sin, and to turn to Christ; to put off sin, and to put on Christ. True repentance begins in the heart (root), but is known by its works and behavior (fruit); real change happens from the inside out. And repentance needs movement, another way I’ve heard this said is “You can’t turn a parked car”. Repentance for me looks like consistently going for a walk to pray, ask for God’s mercy and forgiveness, and to meditate on scripture. If you read and believe your Bible, then you know that I have a very clever enemy that will do just about anything to prevent me from doing this, as do you. I pray that 2024 would be a year of active repentance. I pray, as Christ did in The Lord’s Prayer, that God would protect us from our enemy. I pray that by God’s grace, in our repentance, He would reorient us to a deep and abiding relationship with Him. I pray that our lives would be oriented towards the truest end. So that those closest to us are not seen as things to be used, but people to be loved. So that food is a means to share, love, nourish, rather than hoard and binge. So that our time and resources are not instruments to serve our unhealthy cravings, but to serve, share with, and love others. So that we can truly love people, and cheerfully serve God. So that we can have true peace. 

In this new year, if you pray, please pray for me. Pray that I go on more walks, that I pause and lift my eyes up to heaven more often, and pray that I’m properly aligned. Pray that by God’s grace I can walk in repentance and rediscover true peace. Here is to 2024 being a year we grow closer to Him. Please comment or email me if there are ways that I can pray for you, and I will. 

All Hail King Jesus. 

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Thank you so much for reading. If you read this and have a thought, please leave a comment here or email me (below). My primary motivation for writing is to create more good conversation around cultural, theological and political issues. I would love to hear your thoughts.

jeffreycharlescaldwell@gmail.com